Distant memories slip in,
Somehow making their way through the crack,
However, now they are welcome…
Although bitter and painful,
Now the tears feel rejuvenating,
There is a certain openness,
I am open…
A most BEAUTIFUL feeling.
There is no blame, feeling sorry, anger, or guilt,
There is no judgment of this heartbreaking event.
Sorrow exists but at the same time it feels amazing!
I feel relief,
Maybe because I am allowing myself to feel it,
My emotions speak,
My body can express,
“It is ok,”
I am grateful,
It is different,
Its “hurts” yet in a good way,
In a cathartic way,
I guess the difference is I do not judge it,
It just is,
I am not trying to comprehend, understand, question, or blame,
There is nothing,
Only complete openness,
One of the most beautiful feelings we can ever surrender to.
Everything is welcome,
I turn the filter button OFF.
I can feel,
I can breathe,
I can hurt,
Or I can be happy…
It is all the same.
There is no defense… a most liberating feeling!
This vulnerability accompanies,
It cannot be separated,
It makes way together,
So that these memories, these feelings can no longer have any intensity…
Any hold on my life,
They are just there floating,
They are no longer solid,
They are there and it is ok,
I watch in wonder,
They are flying around,
I observe them,
I no longer cling to them,
I can only look at them and feel that deep gratefulness,
I know now the difference.
A difference that is out of our control.
I can shed tear after tear for years,
Feel pain judging it as bad and destructive,
Twenty years can go by and there it still remains,
I hold on to my conclusions,
It feels bitter,
I feel despair,
“It is bad,”
It feels terrible,
Only becoming more solid within myself,
I build more barriers,
Adding more bricks to my wall,
I can cry all I want,
Do as much therapy as I want,
Try to ignore it as much as I can,
There it will always be.
I am solidifying it within myself.
The more bricks I add the more hold it has upon me,
When it comes to the surface, I wish it never happened,
I curse it,
I do not want to think about it.
What I have become unaware of is that by building that wall,
I am keeping it trapped, alive, it cannot leave.
I am actually drowning myself,
Boxing myself in,
I hold on to the illusion that I am keeping everything out,
When in truth….
I am keeping everything in.
What if we did the opposite?
What if we did not take down a brick each year but took a sledge hammer,
Obliterating the wall until …
There is nothing but dust?
Immediately you feel fear when I say this…
“OH No! I can’t!!”
“But then I will have to feel it,”
“But I will break down,”
“I will loose control,”
As if we have any control to begin with!
As if it is not there and we feel it more intensely than ever,
What if it is the opposite?
What if when that wall comes down we actually experience something truly miraculous?
Then it will no longer control us,
We have no defense,
What if we no longer judged our body? Our feelings and allowed them to be?
You will be VERY surprised!
It will come when it will come,
It will be what it will be,
As long as we don’t tense up when it surfaces,
Hiding behind that wall,
Trying to control it,
For then change can actually occur,
A catharsis can begin,
A letting go,
Allowing it to be,
“It is ok,” say,
Then you will experience that difference,
Traveling to the complete opposite of the spectrum.
It now feels wonderful,
It fills you up with warm fuzzy feelings,
A “pain” that feels good,
It begins to float away,
You can actually feel YOU,
You are allowing yourself to be with no judgment,
The only thing that can exist at this moment is love and gratitude…
For yourself and eveyone and everything around you,
You are empowered.
You do not even have to judge the wall,
Let it be for as long as it wants to be,
Do not force it,
It will happen on its own,
When you least expect it.
Embrace the joy of putting up the wall,
Enjoy the time it is up,
And then enjoy watching it disappear,
For it is all beauty,
The beauty of life,
The gift of vulnerability….