What an incredible and beautiful journey transformation can be……
I had some painful hurt surface or so I thought. I felt my body, wanting me, instead of not to feel, to feel everything in its full intensity, and to just be with it. Immediately, my mind jumped right in. I felt fearful, almost to a panic stricken state of mind. I was scared, because I didn’t want to feel the pain. My mind started mumbling, “no, no, no, we want none of that, we don’t want to go there and start feeling pain, we don’t know what will happen, we can’t handle that right now. “Well, it turned out to be something very different…..
I just laid down and stayed with the thoughts and fear. I did not try and do anything. I simply observed, something that I started doing after I watched one of Kyle Cease’s videos. I began to really be and just really have no judgment of any thoughts and emotions I felt. No resistance whatsoever. My mind immediately jumped to “how can we feel better?” With all kinds of funny thoughts, such as “I should make pancakes, you are hungry….this is boring, you should be productive right now…..you should be writing or working on your website…..this is a waste of time.” I just listened to all these should’s in my mind, in observation without changing a thing, just letting them be as ridiculously funny as they were.
It didn’t end there, all kinds of crazy thoughts kept on coming.“If we get rid of the pain then I will have everything and I will be popular and then I will be harmed and killed and will loose everything.”
I went to jump into “oh no, that’s not good, need to get rid of that one, instead I just kept on going and acknowledging them all, with the fear anyway, allowing my thoughts to just be there, hanging out doing their thing, as they made me laugh as if I was at the theater watching a hysterically funny play. I allowed myself to feel every emotion that came up and every thought with no judgment. The result was absolutely incredible.
A whole journey began….
It went from one thing to another, into childhood and all kinds of things, and the whole time I just allowed.
I realized, that I am scared shitless of being the full me and how I have been self sabotaging myself. I did not actually want to have all the things I wanted, well that part of me didn’t. The fear then transformed. I felt relieved, that I was acknowledging that fear, that part of me which I had been denying.
I became aware, I was no longer afraid of feeling the pain. I was afraid of letting go of it all this time. I felt it was protecting me somehow.
We all have the tendency to hold onto all sorts of things for protection, unconsciously. And over the years of our life, we do not realize they are even there dis-serving us and keeping us from ourselves. Once we have the realization, then that is when we can start serving ourselves and not our fears.
With this particular realization, I was completely blow away!!
What came to me through all this observing was, “Why would we want to change the world? Isn’t it beautiful the way it is? By wanting to change the world, we are judging it and saying it is wrong. Is there truly anything to change? I realized I don’t have any interest in changing the world, I just have an interest in being in it…and I felt it is ALL SO BEAUTIFUL. Why would I want to change anything? I really don’t understand that concept. Pain, and hurt can be beautiful too and all these things that are considered “negative” that people do. It depends how you look at it. If there is truly no right or wrong then how could there be anything to change? I felt there is nothing wrong with the world absolutely nothing!
I discovered when I was really, really being in this process, my mind’s thoughts would say “that’s not a good thought, lets destroy and get rid of that one, as if at war. Then my awareness said, “Huh? How come? Why would we want to destroy anything? Even if it is not us and its other people’s thoughts, it has no power over us.” It only has power, if we want to destroy it and we are denying it by judging it, because that is insinuating it is wrong or bad. I really started feeling, I don’t get it and why we do that yet, I do at the same time.
We are all sensitive in varying degrees. We pick up on other people’s thoughts and emotions all the time, whether we are aware of it or not, day in and day out. We are constantly influenced by emotions, thoughts and beliefs, that really are not ours yet effect us on a deep level. Yes, a lot of these emotions and thoughts do not belong to us but, that does not mean they are bad? It is all a part of being in this world and being who we are , human. If we do not go into judgment, and instead observe. With our awareness, we are able to view all that comes to and from the mind. By being open and not having any resistance, thoughts silently come in and out, without having any residual effect on us. It’s a cleansing. I used to see this for emotions, yet I had not realized this also was the same with thoughts as well. Suddenly, I viewed it completely different. Who are we to say what is good, necessary, not necessary or bad? How can we be grateful for this world and all that it is, if we think it needs to be changed?All we truly know is what is correct for our body and us.
By just being within our bodies and letting the eyes of our soul watch all that is, you will see the beauty within yourself and outside yourself. All is complete, whole, perfect in any which state, even if you believe it not to be so. You are perfect, and so is the world at all times. This perception changes by being in it not outside of it.
And my realization did not stop there.
I began to feel that I love my mind! I always had a thing against the mind and thoughts, as being destructive to the planet, not realizing the opposite side of that awareness. Now, I feel a sense of peace and acceptance. I find great beauty in my mind and admire how brilliant it is. How it knows nothing, yet creates so much. It is a tool to actually get to that true awareness and to your inner self in a different way than we think.
All this struggle of changing “negative thoughts” and getting rid of them… now I just feel everything’s cool, its okay, they are all okay. I now, accept this part of me and the world I live in. I can just let it all be, observe and it has absolutely no control over me. Thoughts can exist, do their thing, amuse me, but not rule my world any longer. No longer an enemy, but a beautiful ally. They are simply a tool now.
I no longer fear my fear, it too can hold a great gift of awareness behind it.
It seems, everyone has a point of view, that some part of our body or us is bad. “Get rid of your ego! Ego is bad!” Change your mind, it knows nothing! Get rid of your negative thoughts! Get rid of your pain and wounded emotions! Get rid of fear, that’s evil! You just can’t cast it out on demand. Our thoughts have no name, they are there to tell us a story as we listen, as a part of us just drifts by as a leaf down a river.
We place blame in one aspect of ourselves and cast it out. All these opinions, yet what we have not realized is ego or emotions, the mind, or fear is not bad or something to change, they are all part of us and they are all beautiful. The denial of each, makes them have a negative impact on our lives. How can we truly love ourselves and our life, if we do not accept every part of us? Every crazy, unique and insane part of us, as well as others.
The word change/changing implies there is something that needs correction. It suggests that something unknown is going to happen. Being ourselves is not the unknown. So instead what if we observed the mutation of the world, while we mutate back into ourselves?
Right now, I can honestly say I love my ego, I love my mind, my thoughts, my fears and everyone else’s, they are beautiful and incredible gifts.
In order to transform anything, first we have to acknowledge it, feel it and be it. I have been saying this my whole life about emotions, but I had not realized it is the same with thoughts, and the mind.
Embrace all that you are, every aspect. Nurture all of you, and then the transformation begins…
Leave it be…….